The Tides are Now Rising.

I have conversations with myself.
Succinct question and answer sessions.
This morning, I introduced myself to myself based on the events in my life.

Like, sometime last week, it was “Hi, I’m Setemi. I’m at peace”, this morning it was; “Hi I’m Setemi. I’m an overthinker” All these silent conversations in my head mostly occur in the bathroom, when I’m brushing my teeth in front of the mirror and I can share in the privilege with the rest of the world who get to gaze upon the beauty that is my face.

Now, as I type this, the conversation in my head is “Hi, I’m Setemi. I’m scared”. And Afraid. And almost having a panic attack because…exams are closer.
Today, I was thinking about exams and how everything is aligned for me and I have everything smooth enough to get great grades, and all the people who contributed one way or the other and…I was confident.
Tonight, exam timetable was released and somehow most of my confidence disappeared. Like the now almost invisible tape used to paste announcements to the reception desk, it became hidden from sight.
And it is now, that I am almost allowing myself regret the position that I am currently in.
Commonsense, tells me to be pragmatic.
I still have 14 days to make tremendous change.
Before you begin to judge me. I am reading, I’ve been reading for almost over a month but there’s just this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, that I would never be enough for engineering. That she’ll keep demanding more than I can offer- now.

Then, I betray the promise I made to myself at the beginning of the year and allow my mind wander down the streets of maybe and what if and I find the success that I could never lay a hold of stuck in a drainage. And I am almost despondent again, on the verge of letting go, and giving up, and agreeing that I will never be enough for engineering.

That she’ll continue to take and take and take, until there is nothing left of me, until I am drained of the beauty that is my mind.
Chimamanda said love is give and take.
Engineering must hate me because she’s not just taking, she’s also stealing from me.

Follow me on another journey of what if…

What if, the success I could never lay a hold of is not just stuck in a drainage.
What if, it is moving with the current? What if I am the current?
What if…I have the audacity to imagine that the success I could never lay a hold of is everywhere that I am. Waiting for the tide to rise high enough to spill its contents into the street and become visible to…everyone?

And what if, I become the almost 21 year old girl who would let herself imagine that success was not left behind on a faraway street where decisions were easy to make and the road to the future was clear to see. But it travels with the current wherever I lead and is waiting for me to let it loose.

That there is no such thing as the “success I could never lay a hold of” but in its place lies plain old success, waiting for the tides to rise.

Good, because that’s all I can now visualize.